Tuesday, September 6, 2016

A Tiny Poem for Josh :)



There are still two whole months
before you get to buy the new car that
you began searching for weeks ago.

Tirelessly. Nation-wide. 
If it's the right car, no distance is too far. 

I've learned that To Search is part of what makes you, you. 
To seek out and find
the very best of the very best.
Calculated decisions. Weighed and counted. 
Never impulsive. Always thorough.

and somehow, 
as I watch you search endlessly for the perfect car. 
(or the perfect watch or refrigerator or shoe or entree) 
I can't help but smile to myself, 
and feel a little honored
that you chose me.




Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The Grin.

(April 2016)

I really should quit watching it.

The Walking Dead. It's just this stupid show about zombies but UGH I am ridiculously invested in these characters. I know I need to emotionally detach a bit, but tonight it has really upset me and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I'm too invested, and I know it's silly - but I can't sleep.  In an effort to steady my heart , I search my mind for something to change the topic. It doesn't take me long to land on a truly joyful thought:

Ruby's grin. 

A scene from the day plays out in my mind.

 She's at the top of a slide. I'm waiting for her at the bottom so she doesn't fly off and hurt herself. Our eyes meet. A wide, toothy grin takes up her whole face; the whole room, it seems. It shouts of joy and mischief and delight all at once. She propels herself down the slide. Too fast. It's a good thing I'm at the bottom to catch her. She giggles and slithers out of my arms before I can kiss her. Her little hips wiggle as only a toddler's can as she hurries to the ladder to do it again. 

I snap a mental picture of This Grin on This Day and I play it over and over and over. Slowly my anxiety fades and I'm calm enough to go to sleep. I tuck it away in my tiny mind palace for safe keeping.

------

(July 2016)

This restaurant is loud but dinner with my family is going surprisingly well. The girls are all excited about ice cream for dessert, so conversation has been easier than it usually is when we're out to eat. Ruby looks up at me from her booster seat and smiles. I look across the table and ask my sister, 

"Do you know that Billy Joel song? "She's Got A Way"?"

"Yes of course", she says. My mom and stepdad are chewing but they nod that they are familiar with the tune as well.

"That line in it... 'she's got a smile that heals me'... do you know that one?"

"yes..."

"I feel that way about Ruby's grin."

"Absolutely. Yes. You are so right." Everyone nods in agreement. It's settled. That line is most definitely about her. 

Nothing more needs to be said and now Ruby is thirsty, so I help her to reach for her water and I wonder to myself just how many, many hearts this little girl will help heal with that smile.


Monday, July 11, 2016

Stargazing.


On only our 4th night ever of camping in our pop up camper, we had our first 3am 'potty situation'. I forgot to put a pull up on Piper and, well, she and I woke up to a wet bed. I quietly took care of things hoping not to wake the delicate sleepers on the other side of the camper. I scooped Piper up to take her inside the cottage where we were camping. We were both tired. 

With her arms and legs wrapped tightly around me, we made our way through the darkness to the house. In the distance, hidden frogs were croaking and the crickets softly played their song. Everything was still. Calm. I paused for a moment to look up. There were so many stars. 

"Piper! Piper, baby, look up. Look at all of the stars!"

With her hands still clasped behind my neck, she leaned back; arms stretched to their limit. Her hair hung loose as she tilted her head back to drink in the galaxy for the very first time.

"That's the Milky Way," I whispered... "and a shooting star!" Her first ever.

We paused in the quiet; in the dark. Looking up. She had never seen this many stars before. I can't remember the last time I had. The night was alive. A sense of peace and smallness and otherworldliness washed over me. Here on Earth, last week was brutal and violent. The calm glow of thousands of stars from thousands of years ago brought me such a sense of perspective and peace. It was exactly what I needed. 

We gazed a few moments more until I pulled her back to my chest. We held each other close, and carefully made our way inside.