Monday, November 3, 2008

What do I want?

That is a weird question for me.  I feel like I have no idea what I want.... pretty much ever.   I do this annoying thing where I get totally bogged down and confused because I know what other people want or would prefer.  and then I can't separate what I want from what they want and it's really confusing and makes me feel like a "constant martyr" because I'm "dying to myself sooo much" (note the sarcasm) when really, I'm just not communicating with anyone what I want and then my "self-lessness" turns into nothing but "selfishness"

I'm pretty sure I did it a lot with the wedding planning.  and I do it a lot with Josh I think, which is really quite unfair because I know he would give me anything that I want gladly.  He serves me and puts me so far ahead of himself- whenever I let him in on what it is I want.  and then, if I don't communicate my personal preferences or desires, after a while it makes me really self absorbed and worn out.  When it's really all my fault!  

Ugh, does that make any sense at all?

Fortunately I have an amazing husband who knows me very well and can draw things out of me.  Sometimes I think he knows me and understands me better than I know myself, which is helpful... because when I don't know what exactly it is that I want or need, he does.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure all that out.  

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