A little transparency never hurt anyone, right?

Well friends, I would like to share a bit of my heart with you, if you care to join me through this blog. I just finished a book. It's called "So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend To Us" and it is by the (amaaazing) Bible teacher Beth Moore. I picked it up in February because she has shaped my heart and spirit and spoken straight to them both in a way that is (thus far) unmatched by another woman.

Plus, I have insecurities that I wrestle with on a daily basis. So do you. I don't like them (I'd probably guess you don't either...) They are frustrating and hindering and Christ came so that we may have FREEDOM and live life to the full (John 10:10)

Well, here are a few of mine:

1. I get super insecure when I find out someone doesn't like me.

2. I get super insecure if I think that I maybe did something that could potentially cause someone not to like me.

3. I am (always) insecure that someone close to me is, at any moment, going to die. Gone forever.

4. I am insecure about my interactions with men. I'm afraid they will think I'm flirting with them when I'm just being friendly. So sometimes I'm not very friendly. Or drop casually into conversation that I have a husband. Or tuck my hair behind my ear with my left hand so that my diamond and wedding band are in clear view.

5. I am insecure that I am (or am perceived as) vain because of things like #4 and being, generally, a friendly and confident person.

6. I'm insecure that #5 WAS vain. (I didn't meant it to be! See? insecure. bam! but I'm leaving it. That one is not getting deleted!)

Fortunately, God showed me through this book that in a lot of areas, I am very secure. Which was reassuring. Really, I could go on with that list, but I would like to put the spotlight on one particular insecurity that this book has helped me with. Insecurity #3. The ever-present fear that someone I love is going to die. It has plagued my heart for quite some time, actually. I have never really spoken about it to anyone until this book, when I finally let Josh in on how I have this constant fear and insecurity that my world is going to shatter due to his death, or someone very very close to me. It is constant. I think about it any time someone is driving out to our house. I think about it any time Josh and I are driving anywhere. I think about it when I hear ambulance sirens going off. ALL THE TIME, PEOPLE. (Josh was really shocked, actually, to realize the depth of this insecurity. That I have even pictured myself standing over his casket. I was equally shocked that he has never done it for me, that's how real this is)

In this book, in the second to last chapter (and ugh to think I almost didn't finish it!) Beth Moore wrote about my #3. She wrote about my biggest insecurity, my number one fear. She addressed my darkest fear with TRUTH.

She pointed out the fact that when I play an awful scene in my head, I never finish the story. I always end with the complete devastation I will find myself in, as I'm standing over my cherished ones casket. My life ruined. She encouraged me to place myself in that story, but to take it to the end.

Yes, my world would be crushed. Yes I would have to face very dark things and feelings and questions and why why why. But I know (deeply know) that my God is faithful. That He will not leave me during that time. In fact, He will come even closer. What's more, His word says that "All things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28). What that says to me is that He would even use it/me to bring himself glory. To bring others to Christ. and finally, since God is in the business of redemption, eventually my heart would not only heal (though scars will remain) but I would most likely end up helping someone through the exact tragedy or trauma that I myself had endured. I know this cycle is true because I have honestly witnessed it in people. It's incredible.

Simply finishing the story has given me so much trust in the Lord. I know His character and how much He loves me. I know this is true. Beth also shared scripture that she found in Psalm 112, verses 7 and 8. She changed the "he" in the Psalm to "she" to better apply them to her own heart, and has adopted it as her mantra (and so have I). Here it is:

"She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear; in the end she will look in triumph on her foes"

That's something that I am clinging to. It's what my heart is learning, right now. It's a process. I'm still letting it sink in, believing it. Trust. Security. Well anyway, I just had to share it with someone else, anyone else. So thanks for listening, I mean that.