Saturday, March 8, 2014

Calm my anxious heart.

I am so thankful that pregnancy lasts as long as it does.  Especially now that we are expecting two Littles to come at one time, I am overwhelmingly thankful for the extra time to prepare my heart, my marriage, and my home for their arrival.

Still, I'm finding it a bit hard to trust that everything will fall into place.  My due date is August 19, but realistically, these kiddos will probably be making their appearance a little bit earlier.  So that means I have a little over 5 months to get completely ready for them to come.  The problem is that we are still in a weird limbo of our life.  We still don't have our own home. Or furniture. Or our own bed. Or crib(s).  In fact, we hardly have any baby stuff from when Piper was a newborn.  Coming back from our life overseas, logistically we couldn't bring most of it.  So we don't have a single infant carseat to our name, let alone two.  Not only that, but Josh is in a work situation that allows him to enjoy his job, but not one to really financially support a family of five.  He was never sure when he took this position that it was a permanent place he wanted to stay. More of a "while I figure out what I want to do next" position.  So, now we are trying to figure out "what to do next" at the same time as becoming a family of FIVE.  and I don't know why, but the FIVE thing is what is really making all of this seem crazy.  I felt like bringing one little baby into the equation was going to be ok.  Surely that little one could handle the 'limbo' we are in.  He or she would just sort of be along for the ride, right?  Surely, I  could handle the 'limbo' with a toddler and a newborn.   

But NOW.  Now, there are two little babies.  and a toddler.  and being in limbo isn't fun or exciting anymore it's stressful.

So this is where the trust issue comes up, I suppose.  Before we had even found out we were having twins I was starting to question our sanity in choosing to attempt to expand our family at the time that we did.  The only consolation I had was the fact that, in November, I absolutely knew it was the right time to try.  It was.  I had such an overwhelming peace about it. In fact, I didn't even have that peace in December while we were waiting to find out if I was pregnant.  I was already thinking, "Um, that was probably a little irresponsible and we should probably have a better grasp on our future before we try again for a baby.  If I'm not pregnant this time, we're definitely waiting a few more months to try again."  Welp, I was pregnant!  Truthfully, I've carried more of December's feelings with me than November's, but thankfully I often remind myself of that overwhelming peace that I felt and know in my heart that this exact pregnancy was meant to happen.

I've also taken comfort in the fact that none of this was a surprise to God. I believe that peace that visited me in November came from Him. I love knowing that He knew all along that twins were going to be a part of the story of our family.  While this has been a bit of a shock for us, knowing that it wasn't a shock to God has brought even more of that peace that I so desperately cling to when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  

and so I suppose I just need to continue walking in trust that all of this was meant to transpire the way it is.  As much as I wish we had a little more clarity and a few more personal possessions to our name, the reality is that at this point we don't.  That instead of inviting one tiny baby into the 'crazy' we are inviting two.  

So bring on the mini van.  Bring on the sleepless nights. Bring on the crazy. I know there will be grace for me when that time gets there.  I know that this was a part of our story that surprised only us.   I know that we'll have a home and a bed and cribs and food when they get here.

and while I'm not ready as of this writing, I know I will be.


  1. I'm not sure how I stumbled across your blog but I like it when new readers say hello so that's what I'm doing :) May God continue to calm your heart and bring peace as you prepare for this major life change!

  2. Praying for peace for you. I myself go back and fourth if its a good time to have kids or not and have a hard time trusting God's timing. I am confident that everything will work out!

  3. what a great from the heart writing. i understand your feelings. praying of His grace, provision, and peace throughout this pregnancy journey! Lots of love to you les!

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