Tuesday, January 27, 2015

"Now is Now" : Months 3 through 6

So, we just completed months 3-6 as a family of five. My last post was all about how we were surviving, thriving, and doing our best. We went on a lot of excursions, we "made it work", we had fun, we threw spongebob cups in mild moments of rage. All was funny. All was tolerable. All was understandable. 

Months 3-6 felt different. They felt like they had more of a tone of... ok no seriously how are we going to do this? What is life really going to look like? and I'll tell you what, life looked a lot slower. It looked like staying home. It looked like saying "no" to great ideas and even better friends who might have proposed them. It looked like attempting to sleep train. It looked like failing at sleep training. It looked like Ruby sleeping through the night and Nora waking up twice. It looked like seeing individual personalities coming out of our two babies. It looked like the lack of sleep and the hopeless feeling of never being fully rested changing from being sort of funny to absolutely insane.

It looked like everybody crying.

It looked like marriage counseling.

It looked like individual counseling.

It looked like forcing a smile on my face as I changed diapers in the middle of the night because I don't want my frowning face to be imprinted somewhere deep in my children's minds. It looked like feeling the sheer bliss that comes from first belly laughs (and getting to experience those firsts twice!) and doing whatever random thing caused the smiles another million, billion times. It looked like tiny teeth starting to poke through pink gums and celebrating because we all paid a price for their presence. It looked like chubby baby rolls starting to form around knees. It looked like tiny fingers grabbing tiny feet and even tinier toes being chewed simply because "we can so we will!". It looked like going back to work part-time and putting on more concealer than I've ever worn to hide the sleep-deprivation screaming "HI, I'M TIRED" from under my eyes.  It looked like popping a lot of popcorn with our oldest daughter and snuggling on the couch long after her usual bed time had come and gone because I straight up miss hanging out with her. It looked like keeping a pulse on our sweet Piper Grace (who is a champion big sister, by the way. CHAMPION.) But who sometimes feels the stress of two babies and the amount of attention and time they demand from mommy and daddy. It looked like taking her out on dates so she knows that she is still loved and seen just as much as the twins. It looked like asking for help because we still need it. It looked like not asking for help because we also need to figure out how to manage life with 3 little people on our own.

Months 3-6 involved putting on a bridesmaid dress, standing in a beautiful wedding, and feeling the joy of being the person at the end of the aisle encouraging the cutest little flower girl y'ever did see as she SPRINTED her way to the altar. It looked like stealing glances over my shoulder at two sparkly-dressed babies in pews, and pinching myself because allllllll of that cuteness belongs to me. It looked like wearing my own sparkly dress and choosing to feel confident in my body because I MADE THREE PEOPLE IN TWO YEARS AND THAT IS AMAZING.

Months 3-6 looked like finding joy. Not happiness. Joy. The last three months have looked like daily accepting the fact that my life is just flat out normal.  I'm still learning that being faithful in the small things is just as heroic as moving overseas simply because it's what I'm supposed to be doing.  I have to remind myself that picking up puzzle pieces and making our bed and giving horseback rides around our kitchen table and looking my daughters in the eye and brewing coffee for my husband is really beautiful and necessary and important.  It looks like accepting the fact that my formerly somewhat inspiring life is now entirely average, and not as exciting, glamorous, or impressive to talk about... but that my stories are still worth telling and sharing. It's looked like taking the time to write this blog because I place a high value on remembering things as they were and not how I wish they had been. It looks like choosing to live so that how things actually had been and how I will someday wish they were are, in fact, the same.

Months 3-6 were different. I felt like they were really raw and they brought me to my knees on a number of occasions. But I think what's valuable about raw experiences is that they demand to be felt more. and I don't want to miss this, you guys. I don't want to miss the daily beauty that is SLAMMING me in the face because I am bogged down in selfishness or in ugly thoughts of how "hard" things are. When I'm in the thick of 'hard' moments it's difficult to have perspective of the bigger picture, but I know.... I truly know that I will always cherish this season and that I will always wish I could come back to it.

So there it is, you know? The tension. Relishing the moment. Honoring it for what it is. Beautiful. Hard. Sacred. Never guilting myself into feeling joy because "you'll miss this and it goes by so fast", but really looking at the little faces in front of me and the handsome face next to me and saying, this is my Now. Now is Now. and my now is pretty dang beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. While I don't have twins, I have found that I have challenging days. Nights of frustration when I just want sleep. It isn't my baby's fault or her brothers they are children and I am the adult. I feel the same way sometimes when I force myself to be happy, I know I'm happy but it's hard when you are so tired and just seem to be treading water, always putting out fires.
    Thank you for being honest, Thank you for letting other's know they are not alone. This tired mommy needed after a long night with a sick baby