Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Just Start Typing.

I have been eager to set my fingers to my keyboard, to tell the stories and the thoughts and the wonderings of my mind... but time to sit with my face pointed at a screen and minimal distractions has, for obvious reasons, been limited. Not only that, but I think I've put a bit of pressure on myself to write profound things; deep thoughts about my life... to go to vulnerable places in hopes that my openness will spark or inspire something in others. Truthfully, most days it feels as if inspired thoughts were for a former self. Most days, I am almost constantly with a little person, and my tether to an unending "to do" list keeps my mental space tied up. My thoughts are rarely able to explore new paths. (I have tried and failed to even be able to listen to podcasts during the day.) I suppose what I just described might sound like a nightmare to some? and some days, I'll admit that it feels a bit... restricting. How can I grow if I can't find time to think? How can I become 'more' if I can't seem to find the time and energy to read or even converse with peers when we're together?

Just last week, Josh and I squeezed in a date night. We got sushi (BLECH) because he has been craving sushi and sometimes when you're married, you do stuff you don't want to do and you go to restaurants you don't want to go to and it's actually your idea because gosh darn it you sure do like that other person you live with. Anyway, over dinner he was sharing with me about some Big Thoughts he's been having. He explained a podcast he had listened to about Quantum Entanglement.  I was interested; glad, even, to learn something fascinating and new, and grateful that his mind is growing and engaging in difficult ideas and concepts. But honestly, I didn't have something as equally engaging to talk about. I took a moment to reflect on my life, and I realized that my days aren't dedicated to the macro... to learning All The Things. I feel in this season, that my current focus is the micro. and not just the micro, but finding joy in it. Finding pleasure in being faithful. Finding satisfaction in the unseen tasks that I complete. The small ways that I love the people in my life. On some days, that feels so effing hard. I don't want to change another dirty diaper. I don't want to wipe a dirty face, and I certainly don't want to get down on my hands and knees and pick up the food that I spent an hour cutting and serving to my 10 month old babies that was mostly just thrown on the floor.  But... I do. I pick it up. I wipe the face. I wipe the butt. I fold the clothes. I crawl on the floor to pick up pieces of food and I crawl on the floor to play with my girls. I love. I love as best as I can. and currently that looks very small, and I'm ok with that. I might not know the latest in astronomy, physics, mathematics and philosophy, but I can tell you that I know the blue of Nora's eyes. I know all of Ruby's tickle spots. and I know every bump and bruise on Piper Grace's body and have been in the thick of playing with her when she acquired most of them.

and for now, that is enough.

1 comment:

  1. I love your heart so stinking much!!! I can't wait to be in the same state again!! Hopefully sooner rather than later!!!!