Wednesday, November 8, 2017


Twitter is probably my last stop of internet perusing. By the time I have opened twitter, I should be doing something else. Regardless, yesterday Lin Manuel Miranda retweeted this and it has stuck with me:

"When in doubt, write. To celebrate, write. As a balm, write. When you mess up, write. To escape, write. When the world burns, write."  -quiarahudes

Anyway, it has been on my mind all day. The fact that I don't take the time to write just for the sake of writing anymore. That almost no one does. So I'm going to make some space to create here a little more regularly.

The thing is that I don't know what to write about. Who is reading this? Will my girls ever? I hope they will. Sometimes I write on here or I write in a journal simply because it helps me process my anxiety; my fear that something will happen to me while I am still young and my daughters won't know their mom. That is such a fear of mine, a worst nightmare if you will. and I want them to know me. Maybe I overestimate myself? Maybe I'm not as great as I think I might be. But I want them to see what I thought. What I thought about their dad and what I thought about them and what I thought about gun violence and what I thought about being a mom and more specifically being a twin mom. What I was afraid of and what I hoped for. What encouraged me and inspired me. What I'm doing to try to be a force for good. Things I should do better. Mistakes I've made and am still prone to make. Dreams I have. For them. For me. Where I feel most alive. Where I feel like I shrink up, and why. What I have learned about myself. What I wish someone had told me. Who I am with and what I am doing when I feel like my truest, most authentic self.

Perhaps on top of wanting them to know who I am, I suppose I like to know who I am too. It's been an interesting journey, growing and discovering myself. One that never ends, really. One that was sort of thrown for a loop by getting married at 22. I have no regrets over that decision but Josh and I have talked at length about how interesting it is to try to establish and discover an identity when you are already married and thus sharing a pretty important identity as well with another person. I spent 3 years as an adult without Josh. Four unmarried. I was so, so young and I was so, so lucky that I got it right. That we are still getting it right. But still it makes me wonder, what would I have done? What's it like paying rent? What's it like having to figure out a career and an income to really support yourself? What would I have been like? What might I have pursued if it wasn't for the fact that I chose to combine and completely share my life with another person? If I let it discourage me, it will. Just, the wondering. How silly to be 31 and still muddling around with new hobbies and school and instruments and ideas. But here I am. More fully me than I have ever been. Belonging to myself more than I have ever belonged to myself. More happily married than I have ever been. More satisfied and content and curious and introspective than I have ever been.

I have a very specific memory from 6 years ago. Josh and I were walking hand in hand down a snowy road in our town. I was holding back tears, wondering if I was currently the happiest I would ever be. My entire family lived within two blocks of each other for one brief, almost impossible to believe moment. We were doing well, living in a tiny one bedroom apartment that we loved. Our friendships were thriving as was our marriage. and I thought, I wonder if this is it? If I am peaking?

I wasn't.

Two months ago I found myself asking Josh the same thing. Could I be happier than this, ever?

Maybe I am peaking. If this is what the peak feels like then let all who read this now and in the future know that it is good. It is so good. But it saddens me that the drop off is so unforeseeable. The shifts and the changes. The years between now and that first snowy conversation have not always been easy. There were dark days. Very, very difficult ones. Days when I was not happy. Days when my mom asked me if I was depressed. (I wasn't, but being asked is indicative enough of how I was doing.) So I know what those feel like. What that sort of 'bad' felt like. and maybe this is potentially my peak. I suppose I can accept that. To feel the joy that I feel with my life and my family. To feel the joy and satisfaction in my marriage. To laugh with friends who know me and who are in it with me. To live with purpose and goodness. I have felt these things and to have felt them even once makes me one of the lucky few.

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your blog and this made me want to write! Not in a public forum, but a journal to look back and remember. Thanks for writing :) And I can't imagine you are peaking, so much joy is yet to come. Thanks for sharing your life and encouraging others.