Friday, March 9, 2018

A few things (I think) I'm doing right.

You watch me put make up on and ask for some. I oblige, show you the sparkles that cover your eyelids, and say, "It's fun to put this sparkly make up on, but what's the most important thing we need to get ready before we leave the house? Our hearts. Are they ready to be kind and loving?"

You lay in your bed. I kneel next to it, caressing your forehead and whispering over and over and over, "You are so important in our family. You belong with us. You will always belong here. I can't imagine our family without you. I'm the luckiest mom in the world because God chose you to be in my life. Our family wouldn't be the same without you. You are so important me - to us. You belong here."

You eat dinner and it is the exact duplicate of what we've just dropped off at my grandma's house as she recovers from her hospital stay. We talk about how it feels good to get new things and clothes and toys, but the best feeling? The very best? is doing something kind for others, like bringing them a meal to help their body heal and their soul to feel loved.

You ask me how my workout was. I say it was good because it has made my heart and my body healthier and stronger than they were before. You will never hear the word calorie come out of my mouth. You will never hear me talk bad about my body.

You like snuggles to fall asleep. The books and doctors and podcasts say not to, but I'm Your Mom, and I know that the recipe to a healthy heart for you includes snuggles at bedtime. If I don't want you to harden, then I have to meet you where you are soft.

I catch your eyes in the rearview mirror. I wink, stick out my tongue, and wave. No one else sees it, but you smile.

I reach my hand behind my driver's seat. You are right behind me, so I gently tickle your ankle because I know gentle, loving Tickles are your love language. No one else sees it. I can feel you relax.

You're playing and glance over at me.  I give you a tiny thumbs up. Our thumbs up (meaning, my thumb basically still laying flat on my fist). You return it and resume playing.

You come down the stairs first thing in the morning. I stop whatever I'm doing and open my arms. Palms-turned-out-elbows-wide-open, open. They close around you. Your day begins wrapped in my love.


I know myself and I know that I will spend many years of my life wishing I had done better in this season.... wishing that I had done more. That I had been more present, patient, emotionally available. Wishing that I had been more fun and more playful. I know that I will give my Past Self grace (as I already do). I will imagine me telling me that I did my best, that it was enough at the time, that where I fail, God can fill in the gaps. So I needed to take a moment to remember, that there are some things... some things that I'm doing right.

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